| Mar. 19th, 2005 @ 09:11 pm |
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I'm feeling:  happy
I'm listening to: Sunny Days by Jars of Clay
Okay...so I haven't updated in a long time. Soooo, there are quite a few of you who don't know whats been up with me lately.
Now, just a warning. It gets religious. If you don't believe in God, or you just happen to think I'm crazy, roll your eyes and keep reading. Because that's not really the point of the story, I'm not trying to preach, I'm trying to explain how I got to where I am. And so, you should just ignore the religious stuff, and be happy about the other stuff.
Welll...last weekend I was reading a book called "The Prayer of Jabez for Teens" that I had picked up a used book store. Well, there was a page or two in there that literally made my jaw DROP. It described what I was feeling PERFECTLY...
I'm not going to type up the whole thing, because it would probably bore some of you half to death, but there was one line that really made me just go "WHOA!"
"God has big and important plans for your life"
Now some of you might know the story behind that, some of you might not, but its something that my guidance counselor ALWAYS said to me. I never believed her, before then. But last weekend I just broke down. My life had literally fallen apart, and I was at rock bottom...sure I was making progress, but I didn't see how I was ever going to get out of the whole I had gotten myself in, because I kept slipping back...I literally HATED myself for where I had ended up, and I thought I would never be able to forgive myself. I started to pray...I always have prayed occasionally, but never like I did then. I NEEDED help, that I couldn't seem to find...and I thought that maybe, just maybe, God would be willing to help me. Even though I had totally screwed things up, and just sat there, instead of trying to get back up, I thought maybe He would help...people always tell you stories about how God'll forgive you for anything, but I wasn't sure I believed that. How could anyone love someone like me? (Okay, you guys just have to remember that I spent all my time thinking like that...I know I've told all of you at least several times that you should all hate my guts)
When I went to bed later that night, I had a sense of peace that I hadn't had in a long time. Some of you who have talked to me this past week have probably noticed that I'm a lot more cheerful and upbeat...I'm not going to go into the whole FCA story unless someone wants to hear it, but on Thursday the stuff that was said at the FCA meeting hit me hard. It was about God's love and how he loves everyone, and you don't have to be perfect. And sometimes we're our own worst critics, and we have to forgive ourselves. When the meeting started we were all given a little white dot that was supposed to symbolize a sin that we were having trouble letting go of and forgiving ourselves for. If we wanted to, we were supposed to go put them up on a little cross at the front. One person did, and everyone else just kind of sat there. No one wanted to move, until finally I did. Then everyone else started moving. Not that big of a deal? That day I had worn 3/4 length sleeves for the first time, and my arms were in plain view of everyone...everyone could see that my arms were completely covered in scars.
Okay...now a summary. (Ha, bet you wish you'd just scrolled down to the bottom!) I'm FINALLY moving past this...I'm starting to trust myself again, and I really have for the most part, forgiven myself for all that I did. I feel like a whole new person...Sure, what happened sucked, but now I can make something good come out of it. If I don't do anything with what happened, then what was the point of it happening at all?
Sometimes it'll juts hit me that I'm really moving past this. And I'll smile so big, that I feel like my face is going to crack. I'm really doing it...I'm LIVING again, instead of just trying to survive each day.
24 days and counting, folks. That's longer then I've been able to go since last October. Sure, every once in awhile I'll feel like I need to, but so far I've managed to keep from doing anything. I'm not saying that I'm NEVER going to fall...but if I do, I've just got to get right back up and keep moving. |
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